Excuse me while I ramble. That, by the way, is code for: you may want to skip this post.
There I was, sitting in Starbucks with some Vanilla Rooibos tea, across from the boy. He looked at me and said, “I just feel like we aren’t connecting.” I should have told him that I would like to show him connecting: my fist to his face. But I just told him that I could take a hint. So I gulped down the last of my tea and wondered how on earth there could still be so much left because I just wanted to get out of there.
I was replaying everything in my head, and I was wondering how I got to this point. I wanted so desperately to want to mentally punch him in the face or get away from him so I could down a pint of ice cream, but I found that I didn’t want to do anything of those things. Because that’s the thing about cookie dough: it really only drowns you in your sorrows even deeper because you realize that you are just getting fatter with each bite.
Maybe the entire non-relationship relationship was like a fat man on a seesaw. I mean, it really wasn’t going anywhere. Part of me feels like it would be easier if he had just been a jerk to me, so I could justify being angry. But I’m not angry. Yeah, I’ve cried, but when am I even not crying? I tell myself to stop being so honest, but I can’t. Go ahead and buy me some duct tape to cover my mouth, because I don’t think there is any other way to stop me.
Then I remembered the dirty silverware. You know, the dirty silverware that is chilling back behind my fridge. If there were anyone to blame for this failing, I would blame me. Because there was dirty silverware that I wasn’t taking care of. I have been becoming undone and falling apart. And I wasn’t doing anything about it. So, there’s two things that I need to do: clean this silly dirty silverware and seek God, with all that I have within me, like hungry children run to a grain truck.
Actually, make that three things: I also need to just get over myself. Ha. It’s true. I should really just get over myself. This is not the end of the world. I mean, I have been through way worse. Sometimes I am just a little too silly. There is so much more to deal with and think about than this minuscule thing. Yeah, I can’t be deep all the time, but I also don’t know why I am being so pathetic. It is almost a little laughable. It then leads me to think about why am I so insecure and hard on myself? I have a lot going for me. So what if I am single? I remember a conversation that I had with one of my nursing home residents when she asked me if I was single. When I told her yes, she said that it was good because they needed me there. I am, after all, more than useless. And I have two choices: give up or grow up. I choose growth.
Nothing will change until I change my focus. Nothing will change until I focus on the truth of God. Nothing will change until I choose to hold fast to the hope that I have in Christ, because we can trust God to do what He promised. Nothing will change until I shake off the shackles and embrace the newness of life that I can have in Christ. Nothing will change until I get back in there and fight, and I mean fight, for goodness until I see the glory of God. Nothing will change until I choose to believe and choose to live in the victory that I can have in Christ.
Now, where’s that silverware…