When I was in the shower this morning, the only thing I could think about was how I would rather be sleeping. Seriously, I even thought about if it could be possible to just fall asleep in the shower and have that be okay. I ate my yogurt this morning with a defeated attitude. I just wanted to find somewhere and hibernate until the end of the semester. This morning was the first morning I have ever preferred to be a bear in the middle of winter.
Yet, I am discovering that some days it is alright to just be breathing. Some days, that’s enough. Some days, it is enough to just get dressed and show up. I suppose there is a difference between showing up and actually being present, but some days, let’s face it: the best thing you can do is just show up and keep breathing.
I was holding my yogurt and looking in the mirror thinking, “Man, I would love to just quit.” Then, of course, as any sane person would do, I started having a conversation with myself.
“You can’t just quit.”
“I bet I can. Watch me.”
“Stop that talk. That is not living victoriously.”
“Victoriously? Ha! Yeah, right.”
“You can live into the victory of Christ today. Stop acting like you can’t.”
And so this conversation continues for a while, and eventually I finish my yogurt and stop checking to see if anyone has made a move on Words with Friends and study.
But I am learning, especially today, that sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we are still in the battle. We are still fighting, and thank God that doesn’t mean we are losing; it just means we are still fighting. I do believe that we can live into the victory of Christ today, right here and right now.
So I should stop saying hi to people while thinking about how I want to punch them in the stomach, and smile because I am loved by the ultimate Victor. I can have victory in the One who embraces me, with all my fears and doubts, the One who loves me even when I feel unlovable, and takes me into His arms and calls me daughter.