Fly

“Annie, you are a bird. SO FLY.”

That’s what a sticky note I received from my roommate says. It was stuck to my desk when I got to work one afternoon, and I’ve kept it pinned up to my dull, gray cubicle wall ever since. I find that I need to be reminded of its sentiment often. I think it stemmed out of a conversation that we were having about how I didn’t think I was bird. But, like most of the random conversations my roommate and I have, I can’t really remember how we ever got talking about being a bird. That’s not the point.

The point is that I would be a terrible bird. I am as introverted as they come, and I like familiarity and safety. My roommate is spending two months this summer in Ecuador. I feel like that is something I would never do because it would terrify me way too much. I don’t like to fly. I like to stay in my nest. Yet here I am, planning on staying in Kansas over the summer. I am not going home for the summer. I can’t even believe that. First of all, I can’t believe it because I still don’t have a place to live. But mostly, I love being home and going home. Home is safe. Home is predictable. There is nothing scary about home.

I wrote a prayer to God in my prayer journal in February about how it is interesting how life turns out. I had no idea I would be rereading that with such a reinforced head nod of agreement. It is almost laughable. When I wrote that, I was filled with so much hope that a relationship would take and blossom and it turned out that actually fell flat on its face. Now I am thinking that it is funny how life turns out because a completely different reason. It is because I am taking a leap, which turns out is a lot more un-Annie-like than I thought. I am scared. I am frightened. I don’t know what steps I take next. And I’m not the kind of person who likes rollercoasters—not knowing what is next is not exciting for me. In February, I thought I had it mostly figured out. But that’s when I knew it all. Now, here I am, standing, slightly trembling, not sure what I am embarking on. Either way, here I am.

I am not flying yet, but I am preparing for takeoff.

You are a bird.

So fly.

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