I have been struggling with what to say. Let’s face it: I’ve just been struggling. I have been upset, and I have been angry. I have cried so much that my skin just burns. And all of my emotions have changed absolutely nothing. No matter how deeply I feel anything, it doesn’t change the fact that everything changed.
In a moment.
Nothing will ever be the same.
People have been praying, but I haven’t. I have been afraid it would just come out in yelling. Because that’s really all I have felt like doing. Yelling and punching things. I know that doesn’t help anyone, either. Let’s just say that I have a lot to learn about how to grieve well. It is funny because I am rereading this post and it is not even close to anything that I wanted to say. I wanted my words to weave into this beautiful tapestry of grace, but they are just coming out in ugly, messiness. I honestly just feel like falling apart. I am sick of having it all together, and I am sick of answering “oh, I’m good” when I am not good. I am so not good. And I hate how much I feel like I am making this about me, because it is so not about me. I wish I could take the pain my friend is feeling right now. I wish I could take it away or take it on myself. I don’t want to think about him hurting. He is one of the best guys in the world. You can try to debate me on that, but you will lose, I guarantee it. He is such a good guy, and he has always loved me as if he were my brother. And he is hurting. I hate that.
God is not afraid of our grief, even though we are because of grief’s messiness, grief’s ugliness, and grief’s sign saying, “Hey, look how broken we all are!”
He is our hope. “This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary.” -Hebrews 6:19
I know that’s what this time of year is about. Jesus died. Grief. Jesus rose. Joy. I don’t mean to simplify it, because it is so much more than we even realize. God’s grace did what we could never do.
I know that even in this very moment, God’s grace is doing what we could never do. God is working and loving and hurting in this moment.
God is going to get the glory in all of this.