“For some reason I always picture it all going better in my head,” I told my mom.

“That’s life,” she responded.

And so, that’s life. In my mind, it is always my future self. That self has a beautiful kitchen and a dining room table that seats twelve so that she can have people over all the time. That future self is more put together, not rushing from place to place by enjoying each moment.

But let’s face it: my future self and my present self are completely opposite. Right now, my present self is living in someone else’s home, working at a job that keeps me busy, and going to bed at the same time most old people go to bed. Let’s be real: I don’t really even like my present self. I spent an awful lot of time wishing I were more outgoing (or just going out more). I wish I were surrounded by this community that welcomes me in, but really, all too often I find myself not feeling at home anywhere in Kansas: not at college, not at church, nowhere. I don’t mean to be a downer, even though it is hard to remain positive when a train wakes me up at 4:30 AM every morning. Don’t get me wrong: I’m grateful for the people letting me live with them this summer, and I’m grateful I have the job I do. But, being totally honest, I sometimes get bored with reading and lonely.

I have a lot to learn about being content. I have a lot to learn about a lot of things. Life is a journey, and it is not always an easy journey. But I find that I am becoming able to survive more than I think I can every day. I am finding that sometimes I am stronger than I think (though usually only to do I see that in hindsight). Life is full of new experiences, and I need to find the courage to embrace them.


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