I have tried to begin writing something down, but the blank screen has just been too daunting. I have thoughts and emotions swirling, but nothing that is sticking. My words are not that eloquent. My thoughts are not that deep. My professor gets mad at me because I do not speak up in class very much. I’m not alright with admitting that I am partly afraid that what I have to say is not very theological. I am still carrying around this weight of February. I keep telling myself that I have nothing worth saying, no story worth telling, and no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to make a relationship work.
The sandwich I brought for lunch today was disgusting, and it was definitely not satisfying. That is kind of how life has been: I have this deep love for food and believe very strongly in the importance of community built over eating together, breaking bread together. But I haven’t been doing any of that. I have just been eating to consume, eating to attempt to fill my growling stomach, eating to fill the void. I tell myself I am hungry, so I eat, but end up more hungry than before.
The song, Words to Build a Life On, says:
“Blessed when you’re hungry
Blessed when you thirst
Cause that’s when you will eat of
The bread that matters most”
I have been trying and coming up empty each time. I tried to make plans, and they are all in the junkyard. I am exhausted. I am not sure what step to take next. I don’t feel blessed, but boy, am I hungry. I just need the bread that matters most.