Moving On

You see these tears I cry? They are real, but they are not for you.

You see, here’s the thing. I’m ending well. I’m moving on with integrity.

I have been listening to Manchester Orchestra in my car, and yeah, it makes me think of you, but it doesn’t make me want things to be different. The thing is, you were right. We were not meant to be.

In the beginning, I wanted to count this off as a mistake. A blip on the radar of my bad decisions. However, I don’t think it was a mistake. In fact, I think it was not even a loss. In some ways it was a victory, because I let you in. I became vulnerable and allowed myself to trust you. I broke down some walls. And maybe I shouldn’t have trusted you, because you’re gone now, but me tell you, I didn’t start building more walls when you left. I believe that I am going to be better at letting people in now. I’m looking forward. I’m looking forward with hope. Hope that there will be a day when I can truly let someone in.

I’m not sure if you meant the text when you said you were rooting for me, and it doesn’t really matter much if you meant it or not. But I am rooting for you. I want nothing but the best for you. As much as I appreciate Adele for putting into words what I was feeling (“Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead”), I cannot listen to that song and I have to change radio stations when it comes on, because I’m recognizing that I need to give myself space. I need to give myself space to be hurt. But I’m giving myself more than that; I’m giving myself the ability to experience freedom. Because, believe it or not, I have found so much freedom in this.

Actually, I’m sure you don’t read this anymore, and it doesn’t really matter if you do or not. I’m not actually writing this for you. I’m writing this for me. In fact, I’m doing more for me. I know that sounds selfish. It’s not. I believe that you cannot love others until you love yourself. So I’m painting my nails sparkly orange colors and learning to love myself so I that I will be able to love others more fully.

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