I go to college in Kansas. I know that’s not really news. But I’m trying to tell you that I live in a city. Actually, it’s a suburb clustered into other suburbs, but it’s a far cry from the small town I grew up in. I remember a conversation once my best guy friend (who had just picked up from the airport) and I were comparing how many stoplights we pass on our way to work. He only passes a couple. I pass like sixteen stoplights. And I grew up in a town without any stoplights. Which is actually not really true; when I was born, there was one stoplight, but they took it out because there wasn’t enough traffic. (I cannot tell you how much I love small towns.) All that to say I spend a decent amount of time driving back and forth to work, so I listen to the radio while I drive. (Yes, that is right. This entire paragraph was not about stoplights, but was about how I listen to the radio. I totally know how to keep you on your toes.)
One day on the radio, they were talking about a new diet trend called something ridiculous like, “Le Forking” or something crazy like that. Actually, I still didn’t even really believe them, so I just googled it and as it turns out, it is a legitimate diet craze. It’s got a website and everything, which of course, instantly makes it a trend. Anyway, the entire diet is about not eating anything that you can’t eat with a fork.
The silly website describes it like this:
“Fork It! isn’t really a diet, but rather a new way of eating that results in weight loss and weight stabilization. The basic concept is simple: You eat three meals a day, but at dinner, you only eat foods that are naturally eaten with a fork. In other words, no knives, spoons or fingers are allowed during the evening meal. While this strategy may seem a little peculiar, the fork helps to regulate what you eat and how much you eat of it. While that means no pizza, hamburgers or steak for dinner, pasta, salmon and most vegetables are acceptable choices.”
I know it has that catch-all to my arguments that you aren’t supposed to eat foods that are naturally eaten with a fork. But, come on, I can totally eat pizza with a fork. I mean, let’s be real: I EAT BACON WITH A FORK.
There is all this fine print about how you can’t eat meat because you’d need a knife. And you use your hands when you eat bread. And apparently by all technicalities, French people eat cake with a spoon.
Not that I would ever be looking for a diet, but this would definitely not be the diet for me. I bet I could even find a way to eat ice cream with a fork. Because I am a determined person.
On the other hand, maybe I will try it. Maybe it will trick myself into thinking I’m eating healthy and therefore, I will feel great about myself. I will add that it definitely helps having the scale in our bathroom be completely broken. One day I weighed 168.8 pounds and the next I weighed 4.2 pounds, both of which are not even close to what I actually weigh (I’m not going to tell you how much I weigh, except that I am less than 168.8 pounds, but more than 4.2 pounds).
And it does pretend to be a French diet. And I feel like if I was “le forking,” I could totally pretend to be French. Only I’m really bad with fake accents. I’m only good with my real “accent.” Which is also ridiculous, because people may tell me I say words like “bag” and “flag” funny, but that is not really an accent. It just means I’m from North Dakota. And it also means that I’m awesome.
P.S. I am also totally aware that the title of this blog will lead you to think that I’m about to go fork someone’s yard, which is something that would be logical, clearly. So, I apologize if you were disappointed. I will tell you that when I was in youth group in the seventh grade, our youth pastor got us all together and let us fork our senior pastor’s yard. I tried to suggest this to the youth pastor I currently intern with, and he did not think it was a good idea.
P.P.S. I am actually full of a great ideas. Case in point: During our past youth retreat, I planned the large group games for Saturday morning. We played a game called “Naval War,” because in the original rules, you are supposed to have two colors of tape for each team, with each person trying to take the tape off of each other’s belly button-area (with clothing on, of course). However, since that it is a little awkward, we had everyone put tape on their knees, with each team trying to get the other team’s tape off their knees. Since the grass was still quite wet, we played on a gravel patch. Our teens got very into the game. There are still war wounds from the game. One teen said to me, “That was the best game!” I asked him, hesitantly, “Even though you’re bleeding?” His response? “Especially because I’m bleeding!” Then I thought maybe it was just fun for the guys. The thought was dispelled when one of the quietest junior girls said to me, “That game was awesome.” I am full of great ideas.