There are words I don’t know how to say. I choke them back, swallow.
I look at the unfinished notes on my phone. One is titled “Still Need to Find,” because I always find myself looking for something.
There is another unfinished note of a list of eleven things I learned in 2011. I start to write the list on the last day of December, but I stopped at number eight. It isn’t that I didn’t learn a lot in 2011; I just never learned how to put it into words.
Number one reads: “Sometimes how relationships and friendships change is out of your control.”
The list continues: “Two. Adaptability is key; Three. The most growth happens out of the most difficult of situations; Four. You be there for your friends. No matter what; Five. The right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing; Six. Sometimes the walls we build need to come down; Seven. God continues to bless me in ways I could never imagine.”
Eight is blank. I was writing the list in a room in Chang Mai, Thailand. I had no idea what the next year would bring. I had no idea that I would lose my grandmother at the end of February. Before I left for Thailand, I accepted a position with Youth in Mission to serve in London for the summer, but I had no idea what that would look like nor did I know I would get the chance to visit Paris and Rome. I had no idea what was ahead.
Another unfinished note I wrote on the same day reads:
“I am not sure how some things are going to work out this year, but I know that I will need to be doing a lot of trusting God. For little things and big things. For specific things, like my dating relationships and raising financial support for what I am doing this summer. I have always known in my head God keeps his promises, but like Moses, I am sometimes walking straight into a river and not being entirely sure God will part it, but needing to trust with everything I have that God is in control.”
Over halfway through 2012 and about to start my senior year of college, I am still finding myself with the need to trust God with everything. I know it will never stop. I will never reach a point where I don’t need to trust in God. I know it. And so I continue to trust, leaning the full weight of who I am on God.
I have much left to pack, lists unfinished, things unfound, and yet I know God is in control.