Once while flying from Minneapolis to Kansas City, I was sitting next to a middle-age man who asked about my life. We must have already tired out talking about the weather. After he found out I was a junior in college, he sternly told me never to graduate. I asked why, but he just restated: “Never graduate college.”
I am a senior in college. Though a couple months are left, graduation is clearly ahead. I am finally started to see what he meant.
Sometimes I joke about flunking all my classes so I can stay in college longer, but I know I definitely would not want to do that. All my friends are graduating. Developmentally, I think college has prepared me, and I am ready to graduate. At the same time, I don’t feel prepared at all. It’s a bipolar tension, really.
I received my first job rejection last week.
It was a nice enough email. They let me down gently. But I was let down all the same.
Honestly, I just feel overwhelmed. I feel inadequate.
I know God has a plan. I know God works for good in all things for those who love him. But part of me wants to see God use more burning bushes.
Since I am a senior, the number one question I get asked is what I am doing to do next. It’s a question loaded with expectation. I am sure my occasional “I don’t know” and general all-around ambiguous answer isn’t what anyone is expecting to hear, but sometimes that’s all I have to offer.
I would like to think that as we get older, we learn to live with ambiguity a little better. Since coming to college, I have learned to ask questions but have also learned to be alright if some questions go unanswered. Sometimes gray is okay. Easy? No. Comfortable? No. Okay? Yes. Rhymes with gray? Also yes.
So, what’s next? I don’t know. Some days I just take it one day at a time. Sometimes I think that’s all we can do.
I think as we continue to journey, we find grace.