Exhausted

I’m used to doing millions of things at once.

Okay, so I’m exaggerating because I don’t really do millions of things at the same time. I am, however, used to being involved in a variety of commitments (work, school, personal, you name it) at the same time. I spread myself pretty thin for the most part.

Now, I am not trying to play the “who is busier and has more of a life because duh, I’m so important” game. If we were, I wouldn’t want to win. I’ve always been a better loser than winner. Just ask my brother about any board game we’ve ever played.*

I’m not about to writing about how stressed I am. Everyone is stressed, and no one really cares about me complaining about my own stress when we are all going around stressing about our own stresses. It’d be like one chicken with its head cut off running around trying to tell anther chicken with its head cut off about how he doesn’t have a head. And the first chicken’s like, “Dude, I don’t have a head.” Only if they didn’t have heads, they couldn’t talk, but that is beside the point so get off my back.

I overcommit myself and then question why I still haven’t learned that no is a complete sentence. It has been a combination of me trying to be helpful, trying not to be so broke, and trying to graduate college that has always found me running from place to place to place.

Then I graduated college. With college ending, my TA position ended and I stopped having homework deadlines.

Then my other part time job ended. I stopped needing to drive from work place to work place.

I now only have one job, where I drive in the morning and leave in the afternoon. No running around.

Granted, I still am a volunteer with my church’s youth group, so it’s not like I am just idle all the time.

But I realized: I don’t really know how to function without being busy.

I also realized I am exhausted. I’ve been fun reading after work since I am not currently required to read anything, but I have been accidentally falling asleep at nine o’clock. I am just simply tired.

My mom says it is because I am still coming down from a stressful, busy time. I think it is partly because I don’t know how to be healthy.

It was an ongoing goal of mine to practice Sabbath, but it was an ongoing goal I have been failing.

Walter Brueggemann says:

“Sabbath, in the first instance, is not about worship. It is about work stoppage. It is about withdrawal from the anxiety system of Pharaoh, the refusal to let one’s life be defined by production and consumption and the endless pursuit of private well-being.”

I need Sabbath.

With Sabbath, comes some silence.

Dallas Willard says,

“Solitude well practiced will break the power of busyness, haste, isolation, and loneliness. You will see that the world is not on your shoulders after all. Your will find yourself, and God will find you in new ways. Silence also brings Sabbath to you. It completes solitude, for without it you cannot be alone. Far from being a mere absence, silence allows the reality of God to stand in the midst of your life. God does not ordinarily compete for our attention. In silence we come to attend.”

One of the biggest reasons I am leaning toward going home in the fall is to get healthy. I have experienced burnout, even though I’m only in my early twenties. I am not saying I am more hard working than everyone else on the planet, because I know I am not. I’m probably not even harder working than most people on the planet. I do, however think I have a pretty good work ethic, and I know I won’t stop working completely—probably in all my life.

I know I need to get healthy, though. In my college’s dining hall, I would often find myself eating mac and cheese and French fries nearly every day. When I played tag two days ago with the youth group, I got out of breath instantly. I’ll be going to the doctor in a month and a half to determine the cause of my hair loss, but realistically, I know its main cause is stress. I keep saying I need to start doing yoga, but have yet to do anything besides say it.

I haven’t just picked up a collection of self-help action plans. I don’t think I can do this myself. I am my responsibility, yes. But I believe we can really only be healthy within community. We need each other. I need to serve others, and I need to receive help from others. I need the wisdom others can offer, I need people who push me, and I need support and accountability. I think we all need these. We all need each other.

I was incredibly sad to move out of my college dorm because I knew my college friendships would never be the same. It’s a risk to put myself out there and enter community. But no risk, no reward, right? We need community. We are better together.

*Except not Clue, I totally dominate there. Also, I’m unashamedly prideful about it.

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