31 Days of Trusting God: Identity

Earlier this year, I went to the dermatologist about my ongoing hair loss. I was told I have hereditary Alopecia Areata. Basically, I have hair loss because my immune system is confused and attacks my hair follicles instead of attacking helpful things. This results in random hair loss. It is usually in patches for most people. I’ve just noticed my hair getting a lot thinner.

I’ve changed shampoos and am still trying to exercise and eat healthy. Unfortunately, there is not really anything I can do to prevent it from happening. I can stress less so I don’t make it worse. Fortunately, I probably will not lose all of my hair.

Still, after finding out, I instantly texted a few of my friends asking if they would still be my friend if I was bald.

I actually have really great friends. They said they’d still be my friend. One of my guy friends asked if I’d still be his friend when he’s bald. I told him it’s not weird for guys to be bald. I’m not saying guys aren’t sensitive to losing their hair. I actually had a friend in college who led with that as an introduction. “Hi, my name is John*, and I’m balding.” Seriously. I kid you not he worked his balding hair into his introduction. I’m pro-self-effacing humor, but maybe let’s not lead with that every time.

As someone who collects irrational fears, if you tell me I have a disease that results in hair loss, obviously I’m going to the jump to the conclusion I’m going to instantly lose all my hair and have to buy a wig and will end up alone because who wants to marry someone who is bald? Good thing I like cats, right?

Even though that’s over-reacting just a little, I would be lying if I said I didn’t imagine what would happen if I lost all my hair. Would anyone want to date me? I mean I still have hair now, and it’s not like the guys are lining up. And, honestly, as far as bad things happening, losing some hair doesn’t top the list. There is real loss in the world, and I’ve lost people close to me. I’ve had people close to me lose people close to them. Losing hair is cosmetic, yes. It is even a little difficult. But it’s not something to fear.

I think it comes down to this: fears exist, but when I let fear overtake my life, I’m not trusting God.

I don’t think that’s the root (hair pun. too soon?) of the problem. I did not have my first major haircut until I was in the tenth grade. Since I have curly hair, people have always known me by my hair. Even though a lot of women have curly or wavy hair, my hair has always felt like it’s been a part of who I am. However, trusting God also means trusting God in my identity. Do I really trust who God says I am?

I have been created and am known by God.

Henri J. M. Nouwen writes in The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish To Freedom:

“Your true identity is as a child of God. This is the identity you have to accept. Once you have claimed it and settled in it, you can live in a world that gives you much joy as well as pain. You can receive the praise as well as the blame that comes to you as an opportunity for strengthening your basic identity, because the identity that makes you free is anchored beyond all human praise and blame. You belong to God, and it is as a child of God that you are sent into the world.

He continues:

“You need spiritual guidance; you need people who can keep you anchored in your true identity. The temptation to disconnect from that deep place in you where God dwells and to let yourself be drowned in the praise or blame of the world always remains. Since that deep place in you where your identity as a child of God is rooted has been unknown to you for a long time, those who were able to touch you there had a sudden and often overwhelming power over you. They became part of your identity. You could no longer live without them. But they could not fulfil that divine role, so they left you, and you felt abandoned. But it is precisely that experience of abandonment that called you back to your true identity as a child of God.”

*Name has been changed. It was changed to protect the person and also because I really wanted to include a name that’s been changed in one of my posts.

31 Days of Trusting God: Becoming Whole

I realized October marks my two-year anniversary of being single. Unless you count that one awkward double date I went on, which I don’t since I paid for my own meal. (And duh, that’s how you characterize a date. Just kidding. I don’t actually think that.)

Anyway, it’s my two-year anniversary of being single awesome. I think this means I should buy myself some flowers.

I mean, right?!

My friend sent me a link to this article. It really struck a chord with me. Especially this line:

I’ve not fallen in love; I’ve learned to practice love. Because the truth is, real love isn’t something passive that you “fall” into; rather, it is something that is active. Love is a practice; it’s something that you do every day, not something that you sit around and wait to show up on your doorstep in the form of one human being.

Maybe you’re thinking: oh no, not another post about being single. Well get off it. This is about singleness, but really, it’s about more than just singleness. It’s also about CATS and whether or not I should create a pinboard on Pinterest entirely dedicated to mac and cheese. Just kidding. It’s not about cats. I’ll let you read on to see about the mac and cheese part.

I write about singleness because I am single. I write about it because it’s my way of processing how to live faithfully as a Christian and as someone who is currently single. I’m not an authority. I don’t even have awesome stories like one I heard recently about someone’s parents setting him up on a blind date only to have his entire family join him on his blind date. Which I think is actually a really great story. So anyone, please feel free to set me up on a blind date because if it doesn’t work out, at least it might end up being a great story. I write about singleness because I think it’s really a key time in life when we need to learn the importance of trusting God.

I also write about being single because I feel like I’m the token single friend. When I was being interviewed for my district minister’s license (which happens annually), the members of the credentialing board asked me, “How would you feel if you never got married?” I don’t think they are asking everyone these questions. I NEED TO KNOW IF ANYONE ELSE IS GETTING ASKED THESE QUESTIONS.

When at a recent job interview, the pastor asked me if I was dating anyone. When I told him that I wasn’t he asked me, somewhat hesitantly, “But you have dated before, right?” Although I am not entirely sure that’s an appropriate question for a job interview, I laughed and told him I have dated before.

I guess I just wanted that to serve as a disclaimer that although I talk about being single, it’s not like I haven’t dated. And honestly? I’m grateful for my experiences. I’m also grateful I’m not dating, engaged or married to anyone I’ve dated in the past. Actually, fun fact: one of my exes just recently got engaged. I am happy for him. Maybe this sounds weird, but I do continue to pray for my exes. I’m not really friends with any of them, but I do pray for their happiness. The relationship has changed, but in order to continuing to be loving, I continue to pray for them.

I believe love should be our defining mark as Christians, so we should constantly be looking for ways to actively love God and others.

Moving toward selfless love (and don’t get me wrong, I don’t think we always love selflessly one hundred percent of the time) will influence the way we live as singles and influence our relationships once we date. Instead of entering into a relationship looking out primarily for our needs, we look for how we can serve the other person.

Being single is an opportunity. It’s not a sickness, and it’s not the plague. It is an opportunity to learn to love and serve others.

I was in elementary school during the rise of the popularity of the internet. I remember the first time I heard about Google. It was in the library, and my classmate said to a whole table of us: “Have you heard about Google?” I think I was in fourth grade. Less revolutionary than Google, I also remember a website with a bunch of smiley faces. People would then comment on these smiley faces. I don’t know. I was in fourth grade. I can’t explain these things. Anyway, the first thing I commented on was an angel smiley face. A lot of people were commenting about themselves. I don’t really remember anything anyone said, but everyone must have been pretty narcissistic because I commented something along the lines of “get over yourselves.”

Alright, so fourth-grade me was a little blunt. However, that’s the same advice I give myself when I dwell too much on being single. I tell myself to get over myself and look for ways to love others. Do I always do a great job of loving and serving others? No. Do I continue to improve? I think so. I try to.

By continuing to trust God with everything, we are being made whole. Marriage or relationships–another person–will not make you whole. We need to come to terms with that and continue to grow deeper in our relationship with God.

Corey Copeland posted an article entitled “Being Single is Okay, OK?”:

“Being single for a season, so that we can be worked on and molded into something lovely and whole, is wise and responsible. Once we do meet the lucky individual who gets to marry us, wouldn’t we rather be that rounded, emotionally stable, fully evolved person they deserve?

“I’m content in knowing that I can be fulfilled in God and in my own path without having to desperately cling to another beating heart.”

And THIS:

“We can breathe easy in knowing that, while we may ache for the completion of another, being single is actually OK. Within those somewhat lonely nights full of painful growth, we are being made whole.”

If you’re single, you’re not broken, empty or incomplete. There isn’t anything wrong with you. But please, please don’t waste this time. This is the time to trust God. This is the time to give our doubts to God. Take a deep breath. Go serve and love.

31 Days of Trusting God: Help

I am sitting in the living room, painting my nails. I ask my mom, “What am I even doing with my life?”

“Andra, you’re 22,” she tells me.

I know what this means. This means I have plenty of time to figure everything out. This means I’m still young. Never mind the fact that by the time my mother was twenty-two, she had already been married for five years. Though that is beside the point.

Ben Rector* sings the following lyrics in his song, Sailboat:

“Oh I’m out in the waves
I’m hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night, there’s an empty horizon
And my God, do I feel so alone

Sometimes I, most times I, feel just like a sailboat”

I think he taps into one of the issues accompanied by trusting God. (Actually, the more I’ve been thinking about trusting God, I’ve found reminders and references all over the place. When trusting God is continually on the forefront of your mind, you notice little things that remind you to trust God. They remind you to pray. They remind you to long for a desire to grow closer to God.) This song reminds me that trusting God is needed the most in the times when we feel like we are out in waves, hoping and praying, but feeling alone.

It feels like I’m floating in an ocean without clear direction. And honestly, if I were floating in an ocean I would be freaking out. First because I don’t know how to swim. Second because it’s like the movie Gravity only I would feel like floating in space would be worse. I mean, right? Let’s be real. All this to say sometimes when you don’t know what’s next–when you don’t have a five-year plan of any kind–it is easy to fall into feeling hopeless.

Anne Lamott (are we beginning to sense a trend that she’s my favorite author?) writes in her book, Help, Thanks, Wow: Three Essential Prayers:

There’s freedom in hitting bottom, in seeing that you won’t be able to save or rescue your daughter, her spouse, his parents, or your career, relief in admitting you’ve reached the place of great unknowing. This is where restoration can begin, because when you’re still in the state of trying to fix the unfixable, everything bad is engaged: the chatter of your mind, the tension of your physiology, all the trunks and wheel-ons you carry from the past. It’s exhausting, crazy-making.

When we feel directionless and lost, we may feel like we’ve hit rock bottom. This means there are two important things to remember:

1. Stop being ridiculous. You have not reached rock bottom. You are probably just bring over-dramatic.

2. This is exactly where you need to be.

Not knowing where to go next or what to do next could make you feel so hopeless you want to give up. Or. It could bring you to total dependence on God. When you hit bottom, your prayer begins to stop being the list of things we want and starts to be summed up into just “Help.”

God, help. I don’t know what’s coming.

God, help me trust You.

God, help me as we walk through the unknown.

Help is a simple prayer, but like Anne Lamott writes, it’s the first great prayer. It’s the humbling prayer that helps us realize we cannot do this alone and that we aren’t alone. It’s the prayer that brings us back to our knees. So it’s a really great place to start.

Ben (just kidding, we aren’t on a first-name basis like that) also sings:

“But I’m not giving up
Oh I will move on forward
I’m gonna raise my sail
God knows what I’m headed toward”

Maybe it seems too cliché to say the answer is to pray and continue to put your trust in God. But it does also involve moving forward and not giving up. I recently told someone that I felt bad about writing this series because it ultimately feels like I’m saying the same thing every day. However, I’m writing this because it is something even I need to remember daily.

*Also let’s just collectively agree that we all enjoy Ben Rector. Sound good?

31 Days of Trusting God: When the Doubts Seem to Take Over

Anne Lamott writes in Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith:

“I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything. I remembered something Father Tom had told me–that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns.”

When it comes to thinking about trusting God and having faith, we often think it means we are not able to doubt. We may have been told to “choose faith over doubt.” However, I believe as we grow closer to God and learn more about God, we run into questions. We face doubts. Still, as our relationship with God continues to grow closer, we also notice our definition of trusting God begins to look different.

When I was younger, I equated trusting God with knowing God will deliver on his promises. Unfortunately, I also equated God delivering on his promises with good things happening to me. At the time, I don’t think I realized my desires for my life were very inward focused. I wanted good things for my life. I wanted good things to happen to me. I wanted a good life, home, job, spouse. It was all very me-centered.

I am learning the Gospel is a lot more outward focused than it is inward focused. It’s about loving my own life less and loving God and others more.

Since there’s little in my life that’s turning out the way I always thought it would, I am learning trusting God is a daily choice. I am not necessarily simply choosing faith over doubt, but I am choosing to not dwell on my doubts. I am choosing to listen to truth rather than let the doubts whisper lies into my ear. Doubt whispers into my ear: “You are not good enough. You’ll end up alone and working a job you hate.” I do not need to live into those lies. I am trying to lean into the truth that I am loved by God.

Donald Miller in Searching for God Knows What writes:

“Imagine how a man’s life would be if he trusted that he was loved by God. How could he interact with the poor and not show partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting anything in return. It would be quite beautiful, really.”

In Romans 15:13, Paul writes:

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”

31 Days of Trusting God: As God’s Worker

Reading in 2 Timothy chapter two, one comes across Paul’s words to Timothy:

¹⁴ Keep reminding God’s people of these things. Warn them before God against quarreling about words; it is of no value, and only ruins those who listen. ¹⁵ Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth. ¹⁶ Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly.

A little farther down, we read:

²² Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. ²³ Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. ²⁴ And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. ²⁵ Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, ²⁶ and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will.

Even though this is a message to a young pastor, this is also a message to us. One of the blessings of being together with friends is that yesterday morning we started with devotions. My mind was already feeling pretty down about myself because my insecurities were on my mind. We looked at the passage above. The question from the devotional was: “Would God define you as a good worker?”

Each of my friends shared what was on their hearts and minds after hearing the passage and the devotional thought, but I would like to share a bit of what was on my mind hearing this question.

Too often I am really hard on myself. However, it is not my definition that matters. It is God’s. Even though God calls us to great things, his definition of a good worker is not the same as mine. I am too rough on myself. By trusting God, I am able to discover he offers me grace where I don’t always offer myself grace. By trusting God, I am able to accept it’s not the world’s definitions that matter either.

We are to present ourselves to God for approval. Paul was in prison about to die while he was writing to Timothy, a young pastor. Paul wanted Timothy to know the importance of knowing the truth and presenting the truth to others in love. He wanted Timothy to be holy and lead his people on the path of holiness. A Lord’s servant, as we see in verse 24, is not to be quarrelsome but kind. We should be able to teach with our lives and our words, not in a rude or hurtful way, but a way that’s characterized by kindness. Trusting God–and any encounter with Christ–changes our lives.

31 Days of Trusting God: Insecurities

Remember when I committed to blogging for 31 days, but then I missed two days and failed? Yes, I know. I am sorry. At what point will you disown me as a blogger forever?

You see, I had the best intentions. Even though I knew I would be heading to California for a week in the middle of the month, I figured I would be organized and put together posts beforehand so I would remain consistent even while I was gone. Unfortunately that did not happen, so all I can say is I will do my best.

This morning I am going to simply write something that’s on my heart. In other words:

CAUTION: THIS POST CONTAINS HONESTY.

Like I mentioned, I am in California. I am visiting one of my friends who lives here. Another mutual friend from London came as well, so that’s why I’m here when I am. I told my friend from London if she could make it to the states, I would make it to whatever state she was. So here I am.

Also let me just say it’s been a blessing to see friends and reconnect. My friends are honestly some of the sweetest and greatest people I know.

But this is only the start of day three, and I’m already feeling my insecurities in two ways.

First, I am from North Dakota. I love North Dakota. It’s a great place to be, and I love my home. However, when I was riding in the car with my friends yesterday, my friend from London mentioned the next trip she takes to the states should be to visit where I live. Now, honestly who knows where I will be in a year. I may not still be in North Dakota, but the assumption would be I’ll be in North Dakota. My other friend then made some comment about how it was too bad we couldn’t go to New York or the east coast or something. I laughed it off, trying to make it into a joke (“Ha, ha. Is it too boring to come to North Dakota?”). She didn’t deny it would be boring, and even though I tried to laugh, it really hurt me.

Which I know. I am ridiculous. I texted my best friend who is honest with me and tells me I’m ridiculous which I appreciate about her. I asked her if I’m dull because I am from North Dakota and I don’t have exciting things to offer someone for them to want to visit me. My friend told me I’m ridiculous and I’m not dull because she wouldn’t be friends if me if I was dull. Which is only a small part of why I love her, but still I am grateful she was able to be there via text message to break down the walls of insecurity I was building.

Brené Brown writes in her book, Daring Greatly:

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”

Second (and I think this is much harder for me), I am an introvert. It’s hard for me to interact with people all day. It’s even harder to interact with a lot of people I don’t really know. Some people think I’m shy when they first meet me which is not the case. But unless I know you, I probably won’t say much so I definitely come across as quiet and shy right away.

I am no psychologist but I feel like this is also connected to never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, loved or belong.

You would think that since I know this is something I’ve been dealing with my whole life I would have gotten over it by now, but I haven’t. And alright, yes–as soon as I figured out where I’ll end up for the next little while, I want to get a counselor. My previous counselors have not always worked out in the past (and I believe you can stop seeing your counselor if you are not comfortable). I know I need to deal with some stuff on a level that is deeper than I have been.

I remember when I was a Resident Assistant at my college. I still hold to the thought I was an awful RA, but I remember meeting with the women who was in charge of the RAs (her title was Resident Educator, though in some schools it’s called Resident Director). It was during my midyear evaluation. She said something along the lines of “if I could only see how other people saw me.” And maybe that’s true. Maybe I am interesting somewhere in the midst of my ordinary life as an introvert in North Dakota. There’s no question I am my toughest critic.

Trusting God means handing my insecurities over to him.

I need to speak truth to the self-doubt and learn to love myself and others more fully. When I’m too focused on feeling dull or quiet, I’m not focused on how I can enjoy the moment and love my friends well. I’m focused on me me me. That’s not our focus as lovers and followers of Christ. I feel like I’ve often heard people say if you are to love your neighbor as yourself, you first have to love yourself. Recently I heard a sermon where they said we live in a culture where it’s all about loving yourself. And while I can see a lot of truth in that statement, individualism is not just about loving yourself. It’s also about how you look to others. If I am always focused on how I look to others, I’m not really loving myself or them.

It’s incredibly tempting to let insecurity break us down, but we are not meant to live stick in the swinging door of self-doubt.We are meant to speak truth to the lies. We are meant to love ourselves. We are meant to love others. We are meant to love God.

God Has a Plan for You, But It’s not Jeremiah 29:11

If you’ve ever given anyone a Christian graduation card, it probably included Jeremiah 29:11. I’m not sure anyone has taken a poll on this, but I am pretty sure it’s the most-tattooed Bible verse. Not to mention I have seen Jeremiah 29:11 bracelets all over the place during college (perhaps this is needless to say, but I attended a Christian university).

It is often used to encourage someone who is going through a difficult time. Someone is comforting you, so they say, “God has a plan for you. He wants you to prosper.” Maybe you’ve just lost a job or a loved one. In order to provide hope, someone might quote Jeremiah 29:11 to you.

When it comes to trusting God, it would be great if I could just tell you God has “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” However, that is taking this out of context.

Jeremiah chapter 29 is a letter sent by Jeremiah. It is to the exiles in Babylon. They were taken to a different location and culture, and God was offering them hope. God knows their exile would not last forever. God tells them to find peace in the midst of their circumstances. It is not a singular message to an individual; it is a message to a group of people.

In verse eleven, God is telling them he does have a promise for them. The you in the “I know the plans I have for you” isn’t you. The message God is delivering via Jeremiah is to the exiles.

We can trust God because he never leaves us. Even though I do not necessarily believe God’s plan is to always protect you and have you prosper, I do believe God has a plan.

Keeping with the importance of context, I want to mention Jeremiah 29:10.

This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.”

It would be seventy years, so God was also telling them to get to work. God was not promising to instantly fulfill this promise. God was telling his people he will stay with them.

The message in Jeremiah 29:11 is that God knows that was not the end of their story. If you need hope or encouragement, take heart that where you are is not the end of your story. Once we live into God’s story, we realize we are living for something greater than our individual plan and purpose. I don’t want to simplify it, but God’s plan is ultimately that you love God and love others. That love moves you to action.

When it comes to trusting God, we don’t need to quote Jeremiah 29:11, but we can be reassured God is with us.

31 Days of Trusting God: While You’re Single

Sometimes, as a single person, it is easy to feel like others are passing you by. It feels like they are moving forward in their lives, but it feels like you are stagnant. However, one then needs to reminded that life does not begin when you are married. Life begins now. Actually, your life began years and years ago.

Still, it’s not always easy.

When I was getting ready to leave for college, my church prayed for me. That was such a blessed time, and it reminded me how grateful I am to have a church that loves and supports me. However, in one specific prayer for me as I entered college, she prayed I found find a husband. I mean, it wasn’t worded exactly like that, but that was the main point. And I know her heart in that prayer was good.

It was, however, four years ago.

Did God not hear her prayer? Why did I graduate from a university I’m partly convinced is the highest population of people making “ring by spring” jokes without any rings? (Seriously–not even Ring Pops.)

Trusting God in the middle of this season requires me to trust that God’s in control. It also requires something else: I need to trust God loves me. I need to trust I have worth and value. I didn’t graduate still single because I wasn’t good enough. I am good enough. We must love ourselves.

Of course, don’t forget: we are also to love our neighbor. I think it’s easy to focus so much on being single that we forget there’s plenty to do in the meantime. We have time to serve others, so we should take advantage of this time. We should focus less on ourselves and all our needs, and we should start learning how to focus on others. Christ modeled for us selflessness, and we should look for opportunities to give of ourselves.

I think we can too easily (as single people) buy into the idea that everything will be better if I’m in a serious relationship or married. This is false. From what I’ve heard, marriage is work. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

After all:

Source

I’ll continue to blog about this area because it’s simply the season in my life. Below you will find a few of my recommended resources. But, I want to know–do you have any questions? Please feel free to comment or email me at andralauren [at] gmail [dot] com. I will keep any questions private. Is this something you struggle with? Or, are you married and do you have some advice about trusting God? I’d love to hear it!

Here are some resources I recommend:

Love and Respect Now — There are a ton of articles that help navigate relationships and life. You will find helpful and practical advice. And unicorns, so prepare yourself. I have already read her parents’ book, Love and Respect, and I found it to be beneficial even though I am not married.

The Five Love Languages — First of all, I enjoy taking personality-type quizzes. At this website, you can do just that! Seriously, though, this book was required reading for the Marriage and Family class I took in college. (I took it as a freshman, so what did I even get out it?) It helps you understand all relationships and how you communicate love. It also helps you understand yourself and how you need to receive love.

The Good Women Project — This site has interesting articles that help me think more deeply. Some of the articles would also be helpful in spurring on conversation. What I like about it the most is that the articles are honest. So often we stay away from honesty because it’s hard to be open and honest. We need honesty.

Also, I’ve found it helpful to read blogs from both single and married women. They don’t have to be specifically writing about relationships. I still find it helpful to be reminded I’m not alone. Reading blogs is a small way to do that. Obviously, this is no substitute for real relationships. Since I’m in the single season of my life, I know it’s really important to seek out a mentor and be intentional about engaging in friendships and relationships where I can grow and learn. When (or if) I’m married, I will still need intentional mentor relationships and friendships, so it is a skill I best be learning now.

31 Days of Trusting God: The Elephant in the Room

I am single. I feel like I’m that perpetually single friend. While my friends are going out on dates, I’m at home with my cats and trying to master knitting (but for real, I want to learn to knit–someone teach me). Also probably we should collectively stop identifying single ladies with cat ladies. But let’s keep Beyonce’s “All the Single Ladies” dance because I support that dance.

This is an actual question I’ve actually been asked by an actual teenager: “So, at what age are you going to start buying cats?”

Of course, I’ve also been asked: “At what age will you start feeling pathetic about yourself for still being single?” So, honestly, I think I’d rather be asked about cats.

But another teenager gave me this advice: Husband first, cats later.

THANKS EVERYONE, I CAN TAKE A HINT.

Seriously. It’s a good thing I am great at self-effacing humor. Anyway, we’ve established I’m single. I haven’t been married, and it’s been longer than I would like to admit that I’ve been on a date. In all honesty, I am not mad about it. I am enjoying my current season of singleness. I am only twenty-two, so I feel young.

Here’s the thing: I just graduated from a Christian university where the joke (like all Christian universities) is “ring by spring.” Within the Christian subculture, everyone my age is already married. I’m the minority to have graduated without a ring.

How do you trust God when you are single?

I feel like I only have two real options: I could be bitter and angry, but that would probably leave me being single forever. Also, I’d probably gain fifteen pounds because I imagine bitter and angry me eating lots of ice cream by the pint after 8:00 PM. So let’s rule that option out.

That leaves enjoying life and realizing single is not what defines me.

Will I admit being single is not always fun? Yes. Does it sometimes deserve a major thumbs down? Also yes. Will I let it keep me down? No. Was it really hard to attend a wedding alone? Yes. Did I let myself feel sad about it? Alright, yes, a little. But did it stop me from going? No. Should I stop asking myself questions like this? Maybe.

I am not holding onto the timeline younger me expected. I’m not going to think about how I hope I’m married by a certain age. No matter what happens, God is good. He is faithful. If I never get married, it won’t always be easy, but I’ll still seek to be faithful and bring glory to God.

Please allow me to mini-rant about something: I do not think it’s fair people assume single people can’t have nice kitchen things. I think I would use a Kitchen-Aid stand mixer more than some of my married friends anyway. Of course, I am living at home, so it’s whatever. But married people aren’t the only people who deserve nice things. If I were the kind of person who wanted fancy dishes (I don’t), I do not need to be married in order to have them. Single people need fancy dishes, too. And tons of towels. And whatever people who are getting married put on their registries.

This is a topic that needs more than one post, so I won’t get into everything all scatter-brained here. Let me conclude with this: Instead of sitting around thinking about how I’m single, I would rather just try to be as awesome as possible.

31 Days of Trusting God: Letting Go

N. T. Wright says this about forgiveness:

“Forgiveness is more like the air in your lungs. There’s only room for you to inhale the next lungful when you’ve just breathed out the previous one. If you insist on withholding it, refusing to give someone else the kiss of life they may desperately need, you won’t be able to take any more in yourself, and you will suffocate very quickly. Whatever the spiritual, moral and emotional equivalent of the lungs may be, it’s either open or closed. If it’s open, able and willing to forgive others, it will also be open to receive God’s love and forgiveness. But if it’s locked up to the one, it will be locked up to the other.”

Whenever we find ourselves holding onto something, we are unable to receive. If our lungs are fulled of air, they are unable to receive fresh air, new breath. We are only able to receive if we are open, if our hands are spread wide open.

When I was in high school, I had a pretty good friend. We were able to be honest with each other, and we had a lot of fun hanging out together. We had a lot of random conversations–one where we just quoted the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody to each other (and I’m sure that wasn’t even the most random). One of the things you learn growing up is friendships shift and change throughout life. I thought this friendship would be the exception. Unfortunately a series of events played out, and now we are no longer friends. We aren’t even still friends on Facebook (which if that’s not a mark of true friendship, I don’t know what is). We’re in different states, living different lives. While I do wish things had turned out differently, I also know I cannot hold onto something that’s no longer there. I have to accept that life changes. When we lose friendships, we cannot hold on the negative emotions.

When we go through a breakup, we cannot hold on the negative emotions associated with that person or the breakup. For example, I was hanging out with someone (we hadn’t really reached the dating point, honestly) and he informed me he didn’t see it going anywhere. Instead of being grateful he didn’t lead me on (which is how I should have responded), I instead only said hello to him in passing with a little too much attitude. He could obviously tell when I was saying hello I was also secretly thinking about how I wanted to punch him in the stomach. This is not an example of letting go. I was holding onto anger because I thought he was perfect. He was everything on the List of Things I am Looking For, which is a list you’re told not to create, but we still all do anyway. So I was mad he did not think I was everything he was looking for. Fortunately, the thing about this particular breakup and after I let go of negative I-want-to-stomach-punch-you feelings, I was able to see “stops movies if I make a totally relevant comment and rewinds movie because he’s annoyed I was talking” was not actually on the List of Things I am Looking For.

I am still learning to let go, but the times I’ve been able to let go of negative feelings or words, I have been able to hear the words of truth from God. I am able to love myself. I am able to love others more fully and pray prayers for their success and happiness. I am able to trust God to allow me to feel a little peace once I’ve let go.

Leo Babauta writes this:

This is the art of living in two words: letting go. It’s letting go of judgments, expectations, wanting to be right, wanting to control, fear of discomfort, fear of uncertainty, fear of failure, fear of boredom, comparing myself to others, wanting distraction, being irritated, complaining. It’s noticing when I’m holding these, and letting go. Loosening my heart’s grip on any of these, and letting go. And then letting go again. And again.